


Not Without You Brother

by poppy (naomi3696)



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Durincest, Eventual Sex, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Non-Graphic Violence, Pining, Reincarnation, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-02
Updated: 2013-09-06
Packaged: 2017-12-17 12:01:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naomi3696/pseuds/poppy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili would rather not think about the night where it all fell apart. Kili can think of nothing else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fracture

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing any type of fanfiction so please be kind! Also English isn't my first language so I know I'm a bit rusty, please just bear with me! Next chapter will be up later this week.  
>  _*runs off to hide in a corner*_

A wave of anger and disgust washed over Fili, he glared at the half empty bottle of whiskey that sat atop the table. With a sigh he rose and stumbled towards his bedroom, his way lit by the soft flickering coming from the tv. For a second he paused outside the room that used to be Kili's, the door stood slightly ajar. The room was still littered with the possessions that Kili had overlooked in his haste to leave. Fili gritted his teeth as he moved past the room, anger and frustration embedded in his eyes. The soft sounds coming from the tv played in his ears as he collapsed onto his bed, dragging his shirt up and over his head only to drop it onto the ground. Lying back he gazed at the ceiling, blue eyes hazy with exhaustion.

The moon filtered through the open window bathing the bed and its sleeping occupant in a wash of silver. A soft smile crept over Fili's face as he dreamt of warm brown eyes, his fingers subconsciously twitching for the feel of a familiar hand. Time crept by, the clouds passing overhead quietly. 

Fili suddenly bolted upright. Drowsy and disorientated he cast about for the source of the noise before his eyes fell onto the cell phone that lay on the bedside table harshly vibrating, the soft neon light shedding shadows across the crinkled bed sheets. Fili’s eyebrows drew together in a frown, the clock on the phone revealed that it was past two but shed no light on the identity of the caller. With a slight grimace he swiped a finger across the screen, accepting the call with the full knowledge that he would probably be forced to engage in a nonsensical conversation with one of his inebriated friends. 

“You had better have a good reason to call me at this time,” he growled voice still raspy from sleep, rubbing at his eyes blearily. No answer followed. Frown deepening, he shifted to sit upright. glancing at the phone to check that the call was still connected.

“Hello?” irritation was starting to overtake his initial exhaustion, “come on man, get your drunk ass home and stop wasting my time.” It had to be Bofur, he’d always had the infuriating tendency of calling his friends after a particularly festive night out. 

The soft beep of the call terminating cut through the air. Fili blinked, an uneasy feeling forming in the pit of his stomach as he stared at the phone, eyes squinting at the withheld number. He re-assured himself with the thought that someone had misdialed. No way of finding out he mused and with a sigh he dropped the phone back onto the bedside table.

He absently looked down at his hands and for a split second he could remember the feel of his fist colliding with Kili’s jaw. The strangled cry that had fallen from his brothers lips echoed in his memory. Brown eyes had never left his, Kilis pupils blown wide with fear and pain, tears forming near his dark lashes. With a ragged breath Fili stood and fled to the comfort of the living room and the bottle of whiskey that he knew was there. It would be another long night.

A week passed by, Fili went to work early and returned to the apartment late. He’d developed a habit of eating out, unable to face the apartment. On other nights he would force himself to join his friends at the bar, sitting back and listening to the conversations that flowed around him. 

It was on a Friday night that he received the second phone call. The music from the club drummed in his ears and he might not have noticed it at all had it not been for Bofur who pointed to the phone softly vibrating atop the bar table. A minute later Fili all but slammed the phone back down, it had been a withheld caller and whoever had dialed his number had never uttered a single word. Seeing the irritation in Fili's eyes Bofur slung an arm around his friends shoulder and leaning into him joked that it must have been one of Fili's many female admirers. 

“Take it easy mate, probably just one of your many stalkers,” he joked hoping to lighten the scowl that had settled on Fili's face. Fili laughed his eyes softening as Bofur continued to ramble on.

It was only two days later that he received the next phone call. He’d been slouched over the sofa, fingers absently picking at the cushion that rested across his lap. A blood curdling scream emanated from the tv as a horror movie played itself out across the screen. He glanced at the phone but decided to ignore it when withheld caller flashed across it. But it continued to buzz angrily demanding his attention and soon Fili found himself reaching out for it. This time however he said nothing only listened, his other hand reaching to mute the tv. Again only silence and the almost unnoticeable hum of static met his ears. It seemed his mystery caller preferred the late hours of the night, a quick glance at the clock revealed that it was twelve minutes past one. 

Frowning with concentration he strained as his ears picked up what sounded like a soft exhale of breath. A second later and a muffled sob had Fili’s breath catch in his throat, lips falling apart in disbelief. 

“Kee, ?” his voice broke over his brother’s name, raspy and unsteady “Kee I’m sorry,’ he knew the words were inadequate even as they left his lips. Silence stretched thick and heavy over them. With a groan his eyelids fluttered shut and behind the darkness an image of Kili stared back at him. 

“The things I did,” Fili stumbled over the words “I should never have done them.”

The sound of his own uneven hitched breathing filled the room but all he could hear was the soft hum of static that meant that Kili was still there, still listening. 

“Fee,” his name spoken in a low gravelly voice sent a shudder down his spine. Fili knew his brother had been crying, even as a child his voice had always given him away. 

“You were dying,” Kili’s whispered “there were bodies everywhere and…,” Kili’s breath caught and Fili could hear him fighting back a sob. 

Fili bought one hand up to rub at his forehead, he knew that dream. It was a nightmare that had haunted him even before Kili had been born, except in his dreams it was Kili who lay among the dead and wounded. He had never spoken to his brother of the dream, not until that night.  
Kili had only been a toddler when he had crawled into Filis bed, face wet with tears, small fingers clutching at the fabric of Fili's pyjamas. Kili had hiccuped against Fili's neck, stumbling over the words in the darkness as he explained the cause of his distress, Fili silent with the realization that they shared the same nightmare.

“Kee…. I’m fine,” with a soft sigh Fili opened his eyes, frustrated that he couldn’t reach out and comfort Kili. Rising from the sofa he moved to stand beside the window, fingers absently tracing the wooden shutters, eyes focusing on the raindrops that slid down the windowpane.

“It was you calling a few nights ago,” the words came out in a soft rush, warm breath misting up the glass. Fili blinked slowly, one finger tracing the path of a raindrop. “The dream won’t go away will it?” it was more a statement than a question. Fili knew the answer even before he heard Kili sharply inhale, he could almost feel the hitch in his brothers’ chest, “whens the last time you slept properly?” 

“Not for ages,” the answer floated to his ears. 

Fili pushed his forehead up against the glass, “come back,” he whispered, voice steady even as his heart skipped a beat. Suddenly his mouth felt too dry, he knew that he would never be able to live up to what he was promising but still the words escaped before he could reign them in “things will be the way they were before.” 

“Liar” the answer was swift, harshly spat out in anger. Fili remained silent, Kili was right.

“How can they?” Kili whispered, the words were a mere breath, an afterthought. The hurt laced in the question sent bile rushing into Fili’s mouth. 

“I’ll fix things,” his voice remained steady; there was no lie in what he spoke “Trust me.” 

“I do,” Kili whispered his voice a mere puff of air. 

The soft beep of the call terminating cut through the air. Fists clenched, Fili fought against the overwhelming desire to break something. Grabbing at his discarded shoes and car keys he turned and left, the door softly shutting behind him. 

He sat behind the wheel of the car, wide blue eyes staring ahead. His dreams had been the first to betray him; he could still remember the first night that he dreamt of Kili in that way. He had woken to a damp bed and to images of Kili moaning and writhing under him burned into his memory. He had stripped the sheets in haste, shame filled eyes casting furtive glances towards Kili to confirm that he still slept. 

Shaking himself from his thoughts Fili turned the key, the deep rumble of the engine soothing as the car moved off into the silent city. He drove without purpose; everywhere he looked reminded him of Kili. The bakery that he passed on the right was Kili's favourite; the cinema around the corner was where he’d been dragged by his brother week after week.

Slowly the raindrops froze into hailstones, their jittery bodies colliding into the windscreen with a sudden frenzy. Still Fili drove further into the night.

It was not until the early hours of the morning that his tired body finally collapsed onto the sofa, the rays from the morning sun setting Fili’s unruly golden hair ablaze as the light swept into the apartment.


	2. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the storm, in the darkness comes a visitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kind comments and thank you everyone who left kudos!!! Okay so here is the 2nd chapter!!

### 

Chapter 2 : Control 

  


Clad in only a worn t-shirt and boxers Fili sat perched atop a kitchen stool, toes barely touching the floor. On the counter-top sat an unopened pizza box, a note had been scrawled across the lid in Bofur's unmistakable handwriting.

_See you at ten tomorrow, usual place! Don’t even think of not showing!_

Container in hand he slid off the stool, body twisting absently to pluck the glass tumbler of whiskey off the counter.  
Wind pushed at the windows for access, fat droplets of water crashing into the glass. Fili’s eyes flashed silver as lightning exploded into the room, he leaned back against the soft leather of the sofa, white teeth exposed in a grimace at the fire that woke in the trail of the whiskey.  
The tv flickered to life and soon he was lost in the film that played itself out across the screen, the half empty pizza box lying forgotten on the rug by his feet. The storm raged as the night wore on. Fili lay sprawled across the sofa, slowly lulled into a needed sleep by the rain as it thrummed against the building.

In the deserted street below stood a figure swaying slightly as the wind tugged and pulled at his body. Minute raindrops dripped from dark eyelashes as brown eyes turned upwards searchingly. He stood for a few seconds; allowing the rain to wash over his face before jogging the last few steps across the road.

Something pushed at the fringes of Fili’s unconscious mind; he grunted in irritation and rolled onto his back. Silence lulled him deeper into oblivion until a loud rapping cut through his sleep laden mind and roused him. Fili blinked vacantly at the ceiling as the realization of where he was slowly drained back to him. Someone was knocking at his door, that much was clear.  
Letting his head drop to the side he glanced at the clock. It was well past polite visiting hours, the hands of the clock revealed that it was nearly four in the morning. Fili comforted himself with the thought that it was either his neighbour or a homicidal maniac out on the rampage.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, a yawn escaping as he shuffled towards the door. The knocking abruptly stopped. Peering through the peephole revealed nothing, the corridor seemed empty. Still he unlocked the door, scratching at his unruly hair when the door swung opened to reveal empty air. 

Tilting out of the door-frame Fili glanced to the right and abruptly froze under the intense brown eyes that bore into his. Leaning against the wall was Kili, dripping with water, white shirt transparent and clinging to him like a second skin. 

The night melted away, the storm that raged outside became nothing more than a soft hum in the back of Fili's mind as relief flooded through his body. He made to move forward but stopped at the wild glint in the eyes that devoured his. 

“Hello brother.” 

Fili watched as Kili's mouth moved over the syllables, freezing as the lips curled into a feral smile. The hair on his body stood on end as Kili pushed himself away from the wall and stalked closer. He barely had a second to react before a fist smashed into his face sending him staggering backwards into the apartment. 

“What the…?” Fili’s breath was forced from his lungs as a swift side-kick had him tripping and falling backwards onto the hard floor. His head hit the wood with a dull thud and for a second he saw white. Fili swallowed around the taste of iron and raised a hand to wipe at the blood that covered his lips. 

Kili stalked closer, wet hair plastered to his face and neck. 

“Does it hurt brother?” He stared down at Fili, lips drawing backing into a vicious grin, white teeth glinting in the darkness. Kili raised his hand to his mouth, tongue darting out to lick at the blood smeared across his knuckles. 

In the recesses of his mind Fili realized what his brother was trying to do. Kili had always taken delight in breaking down his control, in enticing the uncontrolled fury that he knew lay buried under Fili’s cool easy going personality. 

Fili pushed at the floor with his elbows, unable to stop the curse that flew from his lips as he was roughly shoved back onto the ground. He tried to roll away but was left breathless and stunned as his brothers body crashed into his. Gasping for air he pushed at Kili, legs kicking out in an attempt to dislodge him.  
Coaxed on by the sight of Fili snarling up at him, Kili leaned further down, testily pushing his forearm against Fili’s exposed neck. He smirked as the thrashing under him abruptly stopped 

“Do you feel this?” Kili’s voice was a rough rumble. Fili growled, he grasped at Kili’s arm, trying to push it away, fingernails leaving angry red marks across the skin. 

“Always need to be in control don’t you?” Kili bit out, satisfaction spiking through his body as Fili’s questioning eyes met his “not this time brother.” He increased the pressure against Fili’s neck, eyes darkening as he felt the shudder that passed through the body under him. He could read surprise and a little panic in the wide blue eyes that sought his. He leaned down until he could feel Fili's shuddering gasps against his lips, his dark wet hair cascading over their faces.

“Can’t breathe…,” Fili gasped, his nose bumping against Kili’s as he struggled to twist away from the arm that threatened to suffocate him. 

Kili's eyes widened as he took in the sight of Fili weakly struggling against him, his lips working soundlessly in an attempt to draw air into his lungs. He could see panic creeping into the corner of his brothers eyes, felt his skin break as Fili’s nails pierced into his forearm.  


“Please….Kee….” 

It was the childhood nickname, the endearment that it had always been laced with that brought Kili back to his senses. He drew back hastily, eyes drawn to the pulse that leaped erratically in the hollow between Fili's collarbone. 

Fili choked as air rushed into his lungs. Coughing he bolted upwards, eyes stinging as their foreheads collided with a sharp thud. The force sent Kili reeling backwards, curses spilling from his lips as he clutched at his head.  
Dizzy and breathless Fili rolled to the side, shaking hands reaching up to press against the bruised skin of his neck. He pushed himself to his knees, casting a wary eye over to Kili who sat on the floor a few feet away, hands cradling his forehead. Fili swayed for a second as he stood, reaching for the wall to steady himself. 

“You’ve been drinking,” he spat out at Kili, head tilting to the side in an attempt to ease the throb of pain that shot through his skull.

A deep rumble of laughter echoed out from the darkness “Could never hide anything from you, could I?” 

Fili eased away from the wall, keeping his distance as he moved around Kili to push the door of the apartment shut. Kili stalked Fili’s movements, water dripping from his hair as he twisted his neck in order to keep his eyes on his older brother. 

“I’ll get you a towel,” Fili met Kili’s stare, eyes just a slither of light in the darkness. 

“Why did you do it?” the question hung taunt between them. Fili regarded Kili, confusion and hurt warred with anger in the brown eyes that scorched into his. 

“Do what?” 

“You know what Fili,” an accusation lay in the words. Fili sighed; he had hoped that Kili would not ask about that night. That it would be swept under the carpet. But then he really should have known that Kili could never drop it, would never drop it. Still he did not want to try lying to a drunken unpredictable Kili. He’d always been a terrible liar.

He turned away, “that’s not a conversation that we’re going to have tonight.” He felt Kili’s frustration explode with rage; it rushed out across the room and crashed into him.

“You bastard,” Kili growled closing the distance between them in a flash. He yelped in shock as Fili’s knee connected with his abdomen, the pain that exploded had him doubling over in agony. He nearly screamed as fingers bit into his wrist, the iron grip forcing his arm behind his back. He was slammed face first into the wall, forehead bouncing off the brick and leaving him lightheaded. Kili thrashed against the grip but abruptly stopped, whimpering as crippling pain shot from his elbow up into his shoulder. 

“Stop,” the word was a command, whispered against his ear. The moist breath that played across his damp neck had Kili shivering. There was no weight behind his back but the grip held him motionless.

“Let me go,” Kili hissed from the corner of his mouth, craning his neck around to try and catch a glimpse of Fili. The force of the grip tightened, Kili felt his bones bruising under Fili’s hand and he bit at his lower lip in an attempt to muffle the scream that threatened to erupt from his throat. 

“Only if you behave,” Fili shoved his brother harder against the wall. Kili was beyond sense that much was clear to him; he knew from past experience that he needed to either calm Kili down or regain control of the situation otherwise they would both be bruised and bloodied by the morning. His other hand snaked around to grip at Kili’s waist, fingernails biting through the wet material into the skin below. He watched the way Kili’s nostrils flared; felt the tremor that passed through his brother’s body but was unprepared for the wanton moan that spilled from Kili’s parted lips.

He stumbled backwards as if stung, shock and heat spiking through his unsteady body.

Kili felt Fili withdraw and laughed, the bitter sound obscenely loud in the night. He sagged against the wall, fighting to stay upright in a world that suddenly seemed to spin under his feet.

“Never could hide anything from you,” Kili repeated, but now the words held no real venom, just a hint of defeat. He pushed at the wall with open palms, eyelids fluttering shut as he felt his knees buckle under him.  


Fili bolted forwards, arms clutching at Kili as he crumbled to the floor, knees braced against the weight that collapsed against him. 

“Don’t….,” Kili heard himself whimpering as he passed into the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...so I know I made Kili a little teeny weeny tiny bit sadistic/dark in this chapter but I hope that it didn't put anybody off. He always struck me as someone that would have a temper, a darker wilder side to his eternal prankster/carefree personality. Anyway let me know what you think. The next chapter will hopefully be up next week sometime.


	3. Return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I'm so sorry for posting sooo late. Life just got a bit insane and hectic but I've finally had some free time this weekend to finish and edit this chapter so here it is!  
> I've already gotten about halfway through the next chapter so I'll try finish n post it before the end of the week.

Fili grasps Kili firmly, hooking one arm under long legs as he hauls his brother’s body up against his. He sways slightly, eyes shutting against the piercing pain that sends a splinter of agony across his skull. Kili with his laughing eyes and gentle teasing fingers always did hurt him the most. Even as a child Kili would seek out his brother and when words could not be found he would speak with his hands, fingers clenched into fists in hurt and anger or tracing soft lingering love through Fili's hair in a playful tousle.  
  
Fili moves with care in the darkness, wincing as Kili's head lolls against his chest, the wetness from his brothers hair a harsh cold through the thin material of his t-shirt.  
  
“Idiot,” he mutters to the unconscious body in his arms, twisting as he maneuvers around the sofa, cursing softly when his bare foot stubs against an empty bottle sending the glass rolling across the floor.  
  
He’s been in this position more often than he cares to remember. Kili's body is a familiar weight in his arms, one that he has often coerced out of bars, lifted off night club floors, carried up stairs, dragged through doorways and draped onto beds. It’s a weight that he gladly carries, never a burden or a hindrance. There’s no one in the world that he could love more than Kili, he’d known it the moment he’d caught sight of the tiny, red, roaring face of his little brother. Kili with his chortling laughter and overzealous fingers had tumbled after Fili the instant he’d gained enough strength in his limbs to send him hurtling on all fours. Their mother had joked once that Kili was born to be Fili’s shadow and there was truth behind her words. Wherever Fili went Kili was never more than a few steps behind. Their bond was not something that either of the brothers had ever questioned. Their closeness came as naturally to them as breathing.  
  
Being apart had always been difficult and even as a child Fili had craved his brothers presence with a silent intensity. Kili however had fought tooth and nail, eyes rimmed with panic, fear clear in the desperation and breathless screams that drove him scrambling and clawing for Fili. Slowly with the passing of time Kili had learned to control his fears, teeth biting into red raw lips, eyes averted whenever Fili left for longer than a couple of days. Kili never did do well without Fili.  
The thought sends a twisted sense of possessiveness and satisfaction straight through Fili, he shakes the feeling away in disgust.  
  
He doesn’t stop at Kili’s room but continues on down the corridor, arms re-adjusting around his little brother in an effort to stop him from slipping. He halts outside his own bedroom, juggling with the body in his arms as he nudges the door open with one foot.  
  
The room is dark, bathed only in slithers of thin moonlight as Fili lays Kili onto the bed. His arms shake with the strain, teeth gritted against the stab of dizziness that threatens to overwhelm him. He lowers himself slowly beside his brother, harsh breathing mingling with the soft pitter-patter of rain falling against glass.  
  
In the gloom and silence he feels a heartbeat reach across to join his, the thrum of blood flowing through the body beside his a gentle murmur of reassurance. Kili is safe and that’s all that matters. The lurking fear of losing his brother gnaws at his bones, a slow torment that settles as heavy as a rock in the pit of his stomach. While he cannot remember or understand the images that leap through his mind, his heart condemns him with the quiet certainty that he has failed Kili once. Dreams that taunt him in the night send bile and fear rushing through his body. In sleep under a crimson sky he loses Kili, roars of rage and despair swallowed by a great battle that screams and shrieks.  
It is the same condemning heart, a heart consumed with a dark yearning and a darker love that commands Fili to guard his brother, to protect Kili with a ferocity that shakes his very bones.  
  
Fili blinks away the fear that slides in under his skin and instead focuses on the body lying beside him. Gingerly he reaches out and trails a hand across Kili's forehead, frowning at the shimmer of water that his fingers glide across.  
The water from the brunette seeps slowly into the sheets and still Fili pauses, eyes trailing over Kili’s face. His brother’s head is tilted back against the mattress, pale neck arched taunt against the sheets, tendrils of wet hair clinging to his face. The moonlight falls across Kili’s brows, highlighting the darkness of his lashes, the way his lips fall apart slightly with every breath. Azure eyes drift back to rest on Kili’s hair, slightly curly now with the rain. It’s longer than he remembers. He reaches forward, fingertips slowly tracing the strands of wet hair away from his brothers face and neck. The skin awakens under his touch and Kili shivers, eyelashes fluttering, lips falling apart in a soft murmur that Fili leans forward to catch. He hears his own name whispered, sees distress in the knotting of Kili's eyebrows, in the fingers that clutch and clench empty air.  
  
“Kili,” the whisper is a claim in the darkness, a soft caress draped with adoration. It falls from Fili's lips as he leans over Kili, fingers twining and stilling the hands that seek his.  
  
Kili stills at the touch, calmed by the soft words that his brother feeds him in the darkness.  
  
Fili hovers over his brother, only an inch of air separating him from the body that thrums in quiet recognition of his presence. He feels the blood swirling, racing through the veins that lie under pale skin, smells rain and salt as Kili shifts against the bed. The warmth of Kili’s breath a hot brand across his skin, it urges him to reach out, to claim the breath that falls from his brothers lips, to trace his scent against the column of Kili's neck, to taste the pulse that leaps at its base.  
With a groan he pushes himself away, biting down on the soft flesh of his lips in an effort to chase away a desire as heavy as lead, a desire that he confines to darkness and dreams. With a shaky breath he rises, bare feet soft against the wooden floor as he leaves the room.  
  
The neon clock ticks away unobserved, Kili whimpers in the night, fingers twitching in a silent plea that goes unanswered. A click of a door shutting seeps into the room and Kili twists against the covers.  
  
A moment later and Fili returns, he moves with care in the darkness, pulling open a drawer. He pauses, hands stilling in their search as Kili cries out, a strained, wounded sound that convulses into broken words.  
  
“Hush brother,” Fili murmurs, his voice deep velvet that reaches Kili before he does.  
  
Even in sleep Kili leans towards the weight that settles by his side, legs kicking out slowly as hands pry at his boots. He twitches as one dull thud follows another but stills when warm fingertips press against his bare ankles.  
  
Fili works the heated towel over Kili’s bare feet, rubbing at his brother’s toes until they start to curl into the touch. His hands trail up the water logged material of Kili’s jeans and without pausing to think he reaches for the buttons, fingers deftly working them loose. Standing he tugs them down the length of Kili's legs, fingers white as they struggle to force the restrictive material down. The jeans land atop the boots and Fili is left with a stone lodged in his throat as Kili stirs, eyelids slowly opening. Swallowing past the weight that catches at his throat Fili runs the towel over the newly exposed skin, azure eyes clear as they hold Kili’s drowsy, half lidded gaze.  
  
“Fee…what?” Kili whimpers, eyes brown pools that swim between his brothers face and the ceiling “Where..?” but the words fall away as a hand slips in around his back.  
  
“Can you sit up?” the hot breath against his ear sends a shiver down Kili’s spine, it pools with the already needy arousal that pulses as Fili’s hand rubs at his skin, skin that is naked and burning under the touch of his brother. Head swimming, eyes blinking against the fog that slides across his vision Kili prays for the darkness to hide his need. A quick glance downwards has him twisting away, his groan of dismay muffled by the sheets that he turns his face into.  
  
“No, don’t,” the words fall into the crook of Kili’s shoulder, a soft command that he disobeys, struggling against the hands that seek to turn him around.  
  
“Ugh no, no, no,” the hymn is a jumbled plea that falls from Kili’s lips, a prayer that Fili ignores as he slides an arm around his brother.  
  
“We need to take this off,” he pulls at the freezing material moulded to his brother’s waist, grasping Kili's waist as he tries to roll away.  
  
“Fee,” the name is a whine, Kili twists at the waist, knees drawing up, almost pushing into the mattress as Fili’s hands pull at the material of his shirt. Reality fights with a lucid haziness that slips over Kili’s mind. Shivers wrack his body even as Fili’s hands leave a trail of smouldering fire in their wake. The firm touch is insistent, turning almost forceful as Fili growls into the darkness, the sound shooting straight into the pit of Kili’s stomach.  
  
“Turn around,” Fili’s voice is rough with pain and impatience as dull pressure blooms behind his eyes. His vision blurs for a moment, the room swims around him. The fear of passing out drives him onward, with one knee pressing into the mattress he leans across his brother, the resistance against his knee an anchor that he uses to his advantage as he slips both arms under Kili, fingers locking under his brother’s stomach. The touch has Kili whimpering, unable to offer any resistance when the arms lift him off the bed, twist him, forcing him onto his back.  
  
Azure seeks brown even as Kili’s eyes stutter to the hand still splayed low across his stomach. Fili follows the movement, swallowing around the raw panic and desire that slide thick and heavy down his throat at the clear line of Kili's arousal pressing up against rain soaked undergarments. He bites down hard, teeth spiking into the soft flesh of his lips as he allows his eyelids to flutter shut for a second.  
  
“Fili ..I ..,” Kili’s words are muffled as he twists his face to the side, teeth biting into sheets in a vague, desperate attempt to stop the words that slip through his fog addled brain.  
  
With one shuddering breath Fili draws away, hands shaky as they come to rest on either side of his brothers body. He knows that Kili's reaction is involuntary, a natural enough response to a touch but nonetheless the thought of his brother getting aroused by his touch sends a terrifying jolt of pleasure through him.  
Reason and control chain the yearning that rages and screams for release. Because there is always that voice and it uncovers a terrifying truth. It mocks his attempts to protect Kili. It whispers and chuckles in his ears, calls him a deceitful liar, a thief. It is a voice that he cannot silence, because it speaks only the truth. He is the monster it whispers, a threat greater than any other. A dragon guarding its treasure, hoarding it with a slow and fiery longing, a treasure that he cannot and will never relinquish, for its value is worth more than all the gold in the word. It is a slumbering beast, one that stirs and shifts in an uneasy sleep. It is this beast that he needs to chain, to control and yet he seems incapable of doing so for this monsters hungers for Kili . Still he will not act, will never harm his little brother. After all love is selfless, the yearning as long as it remains hidden and controlled is an act of love and it is this thought that keeps Fili anchored.  
  
“Come on," he allows his eyes to drift back up, voice low enough to disguise the tremor that clutches at his words. “come on little brother, we need to get this off and then you can sleep.” Fili tugs at the material under his fingertips, murmuring reassurances as Kili’s harsh intake of breath mingles with his own ragged heartbeat.  
  
“Fili….” Kili’s voice is raw, breathless.  
  
“Lift,” the cloth easily slides up and over the arms that Fili coaxes Kili to lift and straighten.  
  
“I-I... wanted to…tell..you..to show,” Kili mumbles into the covers “I-I ..always nee-needed.,” his words stutter and fail. A frustrated whine rips from his throat, face twisted in pain and desperation he swallows and tries again “ but i-its always you…y-y-you are…all that I.,” he trails off quietly but continues feverishly a moment later “ not wi-without you, never without you brother...because I -“  
  
“Kili,” it’s a soft reprimand, a warning to stop. A warning that is ignored.  
  
“I felt ..,” brown eyes open, distant but clear, a small smile plays across Kili's lips “that night…the night when you,” but he never gets to finish because Fili's hand is suddenly clamped tight over his mouth, forcing him to twist his head and meet the furious eyes that burn into his.  
  
“Shut up!” Fili hisses, bristling with anger and fear. He had pushed all thoughts of that night into the darkest deepest recesses of his mind, it was the night that had unleashed a deluge of bizarre dreams, the night he kissed Kili. “We won’t ever talk about that night, do you understand? Do you!?” he knows that he is being too rough, that Kili isn’t fully there and that he probably won’t remember any of it in the morning but fear pushes him on “ Show me that you understand!!”  
  
The brown eyes that meet his are unfocused but slowly Kili nods, pupils dilated in the dark.  
  
Sighing Fili draws away his trembling hand, barely biting back an apology when Kili chokes on a silent sob, eyes squeezed painfully shut. Eyes averted in guilt Fili makes quick work of drying off the newly exposed skin, rubbing quick warmth into the limp arms that shy away from his touch. He focuses on the task, ignoring the incoherent words that fall from Kili’s lips as his brother slowly slips under.  
  
Silence drapes itself heavily across the two brothers, one now in deep slumber, the other painfully awake.  
Fili wraps a heavy duvet over his brothers sleeping form. Haltingly he reaches out, caressing the dark strands splayed out over Kili's forehead, the caress is a broken apology, an acknowledgement, a confession that he is willing to share only with the night. He sits by his brother and keeps watch until hues of purple and violet creep across the sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it and again thank you sooo much for all the amazing comments on the last chapter! Huggles to everyone who commented and left kudos, it really is unbelievably encouraging!!


	4. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili wakes up and struggles to remember the night before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really struggled with this chapter, arrrr n I'm forcing myself to upload it because if I don't do it now I'll just end up re-editing it until I turn blue in the face. So here it goes, enjoy!!!!
> 
> P.S. Apologies for typos and other grammar mistakes, I've re-written and re-read it so many times that I can't actually see it properly anymore.

Kili wakes slowly, bleary eyes drifting over broken patterns of sunlight painted across the wall. His toes curl as he snuggles further into the warmth surrounding him, nose pressed against crisp white linen. The scent that lingers on the duvet makes him breathe in deeper; it is the scent of pine trees in a deep forest, of stone in the depths of the earth and of something painfully familiar.  
  
It’s the lingering bitter aftertaste of alcohol that rouses him, he swallows slowly against it, wincing at the pain that scours his raw throat. The sting of alcohol after a night of madness is a familiar pain, the weeks away from Fili only made bearable by the easing warmth found at the bottom of a bottle. But there is something different about this morning, the thought climbs under his skin and forces him to open his eyes.  
  
“Oh shit,” he mutters bolting upright. Wide eyes skitter across the room; he recognizes it as Fili’s. Holding fast to the warmth of the covers he rolls to a seated position, the realization that he’s naked except for his boxers brings a string of curses to his lips and a blush to his cheeks. He swallows uneasily pulling the duvet up and over his head. With one hand pressed agitatedly to his pulsing forehead he paces around the room, bare feet shuffling over the wooden floorboards.  
The neon clock that sits smugly on the bedside table reveals that its midday. He curses himself and prays reverently that Fili has gone out to work. But is it Friday or Saturday? Or maybe Monday, he really can’t be sure. Wistfully gazing at the bed he briefly considers crawling back in and sleeping the nightmare off, because a nightmare is exactly what it is.  
  
How did he end up in Fili's bed with barely anything on? Had he managed to undress himself and climb into his brothers bed? The though makes him reel, after everything that had happened how could he be so stupid. He casts his eyes around the room in desperation, hoping and praying to find a bundle of his discarded clothing somewhere on the floor. There is no trace of them. The alternative makes him choke. He must have blundered in like a drunk, forcing his presence on his brother and when he passed out the ever dutiful Fili must have stripped him of his wet clothes. He remembers the storm quite clearly, he’d gotten drenched as he’d made his way to their shared apartment, the apartment he’d fled only a few weeks ago. He’d had absolutely no intention of seeing Fili when he first set out, only of watching the lights flicker in the apartment from the street below. Somewhere along the way he must have changed his mind. Berating himself Kili turns to stare at the bedroom door; it stands a few centimeters ajar. The distant hum of traffic filters through the room.  
  
One hand gripping the duvet tighter, he pushes the door open praying that it won’t creak. His only thoughts are of retrieving his clothes and avoiding Fili. He stalks down the corridor, the soft whisper of the covers dragging behind him the only sound to be heard.  
Kili halts just before the corridor opens up into the living room and listens, eyes squinting in concentration. One more step and he’ll be out in the open, away from the relative safety of the corridor. Stealing himself with a deep breath he takes the last few steps forward, hoping against all hope that it is in fact Monday and that Fili is indeed in work.  
He freezes in mid-step as his eyes meet with a tired but slightly amused Fili. The blond is resting against the back of an armchair, one leg folded under him. Kili absently notes that the armchair has been rotated around from its normal position to face the exact point where the corridor leads into the living room. The thought that Fili has been waiting for him makes his skin burn with something more than just panic. The two stare at each other for a second before Fili breaks the tension, lips quirking up in a lazy smile.  
  
“And where do you think you’re going?”  
  
But the words are distant, unimportant and suddenly irrelevant because Kili’s eyes finally register the bruises starting to blossom across Fili’s face. The purple and blue marks that circle his brothers neck makes Kili catch his breath, the bruising is deep, the marks violent.  
  
“What happened?” his voice is rough with disuse, loud with shock. “Who did that to you?”  
  
Fili searches for signs of recollection, for remembrance in the chocolate brown eyes that burn into the abused flesh of his neck. There is only panic, horror and an awakening anger in the eyes that lift to meet his. With a resigned sigh he averts his eyes, a clear sign of his unwillingness to unearth the answer to the question, his reluctance further heightened by the strangled noise of distress that drifts over from Kili.  
  
“I did it?!” Kili stumbles over the words “Did I do that?” But the answer is confirmed in the way Fili winces, it’s a slight movement but Kili catches it. “I did it…” it isn’t a question anymore but it falls from his lips nonetheless.  
  
Fili shrugs, his movements slow and careful as he rises. “You got lucky” it’s an attempt to lighten the mood; there is no anger, no accusation in his answer. He throws a tired smile at Kili as he moves across the room towards the kitchen counter and the solitary cup that sits atop it.  
  
“Coffee?” he beckons for Kili to sit down. Kili follows his brothers movements with wide eyes, fighting back the urge to scream as he watches Fili sway and reach out for the wall to steady himself. He moves forward but stops when Fili lifts a hand, waving him away.  
  
“M’fine, just a bit of a headache,” the words are spoken through gritted teeth, a clear lie. Kili is in no position to argue and his brothers tone holds a warning that he doesn’t have the energy to challenge. Distractedly he looks down at his hands, stomach flipping as he notices the faint traces of dried blood across his knuckles.  
  
“Painkiller?” Fili leans against the counter, eyes squinting against the sunshine that spills through the shutters. Even through the pain he can’t help but smile at the sight that Kili makes standing with the duvet pulled over his head, covers falling short just below his knees. His smile goes unnoticed by his brother who is too busy staring at his hands.  
  
“I feel sick..,” Kili mumbles into empty air, shuffling over to collapse onto the sofa. He can think only of the bruising across Fili's face, his neck, and the blood marring his own hands. The marks across his brothers neck are no mere scratches and the thought of what that implies terrifies him. He’s startled from his thoughts by the cold glass that Fili is gently pushing into his hands. He takes it, watches the tablets sparkle and twirl as they slowly dissolve into the water.  
Fili resumes his position in the armchair, silent and waiting. He watches his brother, Kili stares at his fingers, at the glass clutched between them, at anything but the bright eyes resting on him.  
  
“It’s good to see you little brother,” his voice is quiet, blue eyes trained on the huddled form of his brother. The urge to comfort Kili, to ease his brothers death grip away from the glass that he clutches so tightly is strong but he remains unmoving, waiting, watching for a response.  
  
Kili’s heart stutters, his lips suddenly feel too dry. The possibility that Fili would hold no resentment for what had happened between them has never occurred to him. Kili knows that he crossed a line that night, the thought of what he’d done still terrifies him. He tries to think of something to say but fails, instead his mind fills with images that have become familiar in the past few weeks. There is a mountain, darkness, the smell of decay and futility, oceans of blinding gold and through it all there is a voice at his ear, it whispers reassurances, in the gloom a hand stills his own trembling ones. The touch is Fili, the voice of his brother not one that he could ever mistake. He blinks the vision away, almost deafened by the drumming of his own heart. His hands shake, the water trembles within its crystal prison. He is awoken from his thoughts as Fili speaks.  
  
“Your clothes are in the dryer,” Fili’s voice is guarded, the cold tone makes Kili look up, wide eyes focusing in on his brother. Fili’s nerves are on edge, he sees it in the thin line of his brothers lips, in the slight furrowing of his brows, the tight set of his jaw.  
  
“I have some things I have to do,” Fili continues, feeling lost as Kili’s eyes dart towards the door “your keys are right there,” he motions at the coffee table. There is dread in the pit of his stomach as he rises and walks away from Kili. He will never force anything on his brother, the choice to stay or go is his alone to make. Still he hopes beyond all hope that Kili will be there when he returns.  
  
“Fili I..,”  
  
The words make him halt, he turns back towards the sofa, towards his brother. There is turmoil in the wide eyes that meet his, he reads guilt and uncertainty but it’s the panic and fear that make him turn away. He is the cause of it, the cause of so many things that he never wanted to happen.  
  
Kili watches Fili disappear down the corridor, curling further into the warmth of the duvet as tears creep into his eyes. The urge to just sleep is overwhelming; to forget all the things that bite down on his heart. He rubs at his eyes, embarrassed and unwilling to reveal to Fili how much of a child he still is. Because only children cry so easily. The minutes tick by, muted noises drift down through the corridor.  
  
There are approaching footsteps, heavier than before and Kili knows without looking that Fili is dressed. The steps come to a halt behind the sofa, just behind Kili. Anticipation and dread form a heady cocktail that sets Kili's stomach rolling into a queasy somersault.  
There is a soft rustle as Fili bends; rests his forehead against the duvet, against the top of Kili's head. “I’m sorry,” Fili whispers “I do a lot of things I don’t mean.”  
Kili tries to turn, to face Fili but there is a gentle pressure against his shoulder and it keeps him still. It is an apology, Kili knows that but the words sting, the soft pressure of Fili's forehead reminds him of the things that he wants but cannot have. Of a touch that he felt for the briefest moment and dared to believe was for him. He is lost to it, irrevocably lost.  
  
“Fili don’t, you don’t need to,” Kili replies pushing past the emotions that hurdle inside him. He feels his brothers despair and twists around, muttering a sheepish apology as his head collides with Fili's. Two pairs of hands shot up to gingerly examine the damage.  
  
“I think I left a bump,” Kili mutters, reaching out to touch Fili’s forehead.  
  
“You left more than a bump,” Fili laughs, squinting through the pain to meet worried eyes. “Must be made of stone. Always knew you weren’t normal,” Fili taps at Kili's forehead with one finger, grin widening as a smile tugs at the corner of the brunettes mouth.  
  
“Sorry,” Kili’s smile is uncertain but loses some of its restraint when Fili nudges him playfully, dismissing his apology. For that moment they forget about all that has passed between them, the hurt, confusion and pain fade away.  
  
“You okay?” its Fili that speaks first, he pushes the duvet back away from Kili's face, tousling the messy dark hair that springs out.  
  
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you?” Kili’s answer is automatic but it refuels the guilt of his actions. He finds his eyes drifting over his brothers face, over the blue and purple that circles Fili’s right eye, the gash on his lower lip, the scrape that runs just under his jaw, the bruised and battered skin of his neck. Unable to stop he reaches out, fingers feather light as they ghost over bruised skin. His eyes flicker up and find that Fili is watching him, gaze questioning, blue eyes alive with an emotion that Kili can’t place. It makes him feel trapped, like a helpless animal in the face of a hunter. It sets his blood on fire and sends adrenalin as sharp as ice down his spine. There is a pause, its heavy with expectation. Kili drops his hand. He doesn't speak, cannot speak. Fili feels it, offers a way out.  
  
“Thorin’s waiting for me.”

Kili nods, the movement sends dark hair falling across his forehead and into his downcast eyes.

“See you later,” Fili winces inwardly at how strained the words sound. He hesitates, eyes betraying the turmoil that lurks underneath. He wants to lean forward and draw Kili into a hug, to tell him that it’ll be fine, that they’ll be fine. He does neither of the two things instead he smiles before turning and leaving.

Kili has never been at a loss for words, not when it comes to Fili but now he finds himself unable to speak as the apartment door swings shut. A thousand questions beg to be answered as Kili pries himself away from the sofa, leaving the duvet behind. He moves with ease around the apartment, swiftly dressing in his own clothes once he finds them neatly sitting on top of the dryer. He pauses and examines his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Pushing back his hair he prods at the bump that is forming on his forehead. Not a big price to pay considering what he’d done to Fili. He rubs at the purple and blue bruise that circles his wrist. He knows what Fili is capable of, has seen him end a fight in no less than a minute. They had just left a bar, Kili and Bofur had lagged behind laughing and joking. They had only been a few feet behind Fili when the man swung. Kili had instinctively bolted forwards only to be restrained by Bofur. He’d twisted around questioningly but Bofur just told him to wait, the grin across his face wide as he spoke. The man was down before he even got a chance to curse Fili. Kili knew that had he been anyone else last night he would not have escaped with so few injuries. Fili had always held back when they fought, but Kili can still clearly remember the few times that Fili had lashed back.  
With one last glance in the mirror Kili flicks the bathroom switch off. He grabs his set of keys and locks the apartment door as he leaves.

Fili returns later that day, dumping grocery bags across the counter. The duvet is an empty cocoon; it sits sprawled dejectedly across the sofa. He doesn’t need to check for his brother; he knows that Kili is gone, felt it the minute he stepped inside the apartment. But Kili's keys are missing from their place on the coffee table; it’s a comforting thought, one he draws solace from as he starts unpacking the groceries.

The evening goes by in a haze; Fili sleeps fitfully, waking in a cold sweat just as darkness falls. He’s been dreaming of Kili, of blood and rain. His body aches in protest as he reaches for a bottle of water. Taking his fourth painkiller, he settles back onto the bed, hands splaying out across his bare stomach. He’d left a message on Bofurs answering machine earlier and technically he hadn’t lied when he’d said that he was too sick to go out. A large bruise is starting to blossom under his right eye, bottom lip swollen from the tear that runs down the center but the purple blue stain that circles his neck is the worst. His uncle had not reacted kindly to the vision of a bruised and battered nephew that day. The memory and the following lecture that ensued makes Fili wince, thankfully his uncle had dropped the subject with relative ease, although Fili had felt eyes on him throughout the day. Thorin and his ever sharp eyes had not spotted the bruises under his shirt, something that the blond is grateful for. He had not relished the idea of recounting the nights activities to his uncle. His thoughts return to Kili once more. Where is he? Its a painful question, one that he doesn't have an answer to. With a groan he rolls over to face the window, unblinking eyes resting on the moon as it grows and assumes its throne in the night sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooo I hope I didn't make Kili come across as weak or submissive, I was trying to portray his unease with the situation that he finds himself in and his own internal guilt and torment at having more than brotherly feelings for Fili. The next chapter continues at the present pace but the ones after will speed up and eventually escalate to the point where the two are forced to deal with their growing feelings and the images and dreams that plague them both. As always I'll aim to have the next chapter up by the end of the week.


	5. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Insane amount of fluff and just general cuddles. I don't know what got into me. Anyway the next chapter will explain what happened between the two and the pace will then accelerate. Hope you enjoy!

Kili’s steps are careful as he creeps in through the thin slither of a gap, the fear of the door creaking stops him from pushing it fully open. His pulse roars and drums out a steady rhythm in his ears. The lock clicking into place is impossibly loud in the still of the night. He squints as he moves through the darkness, eyes sharp as they scan across the room hidden in shadow. The floorboards strain and groan as he moves down the corridor, his progress is slow but sure. There is relief in his sigh as he makes it to his bedroom, it is unchanged, exactly as he left it all those weeks ago. In the gloom of the night he moves across the room, carefully dropping his one bag before crawling under the blankets into his bed.  
  
He grins into the darkness, he’d always been an expert at evading others when he wanted to go unnoticed. It was a skill that he put to good use often as a teenager, stalking through the house, up the stairs and into his shared bedroom in the early hours of the morning without ever rousing their mother. His brother had been another matter altogether, not usually a light sleeper Fili slept through most commotions, except on the nights when Kili went out. Kili knew that his nocturnal activities were always noted by his brother even if the blond made no comment. His careful almost silent movements always roused Fili who would crack open blue eyes to stare at him across the room, returning the sheepish grin of the brunet before allowing his eyes to shut again. On some of those nights, when the smell of the night still clung to him Kili would lie awake, thoughts scattering haphazardly but always somehow drawn back to the sleeping body of his brother. Lying on his side, Kili would watch him sleep.  
  
The memory is bittersweet and for a second Kili wishes that they could go back to that, back to a time when things were simpler, when emotions were safer, to a time when there was no hurt. He tries to settle under the covers, twisting restlessly in an attempt to dislodge the heaviness that has settled across his chest. It’s a futile attempt, he knows that. Huffing in irritation he rubs absently at his wrists, eyes moving over the ceiling. His feet, still encased in boots have gotten caught in the sheets, frustrated he tries to free himself and almost topples off the bed. A movement catches his eyes, its slight, a shift in the corner of his vision. He freezes, movements slow as he twists. A lump forms, heavy in his throat.  
  
Fili is leaning against the door frame, eyes glinting in the darkness. Kili’s head falls back onto the bed with a dull thud, he’d been so quiet, almost impossible that Fili had heard, except when it came to Fili nothing was impossible.  
  
“I’m back,” Kili can’t think of anything else to say and so verbalizes the obvious. Tension twists deeper into his stomach as he watches the blond, their eyes meet across the space separating them,  
  
“I can see that,” blue eyes sparkle with amusement as Kili snorts his reply. Fili’s eyes move over the body twined and twisted in the covers, a smirk rises on his lips at the sight of his brothers boots perched atop the bed. He feels dark eyes on his, looks back up to meet Kili’s gaze. There is uncertainty there and its something that he wants to erase from the chocolate brown eyes. “I’m glad you came back,” Fili’s voice is little more than a breath, a soft rumble in the night. He watches Kili’s shoulder slump, eyes tracing Kili’s movements as he grinds his forehead against the bed. The quiet strained sound that leaves Kili’s lips beckons for him to move forward, a desire that Fili grits his teeth against and ignores. He turns to leave but stops as Kili speaks.  
  
“ Fee….I’m sorry,” the words are full of regret, an apology for so much more than just the bruises that litter his brothers face. “That night, I just ..” but his words are cut short by Fili who takes a step backwards away from words the he cannot bear to hear.  
  
“Get some sleep,” Fili mutters, Kili's words are more painful than any physical retribution that his brother could deem to punish him with.  
  
“Wait,” Kili pleads, shoving at the blankets with irritation. The blond doesn’t stop and so he shouts at the stubborn set of his brothers retreating back “Fili, wait!”  
  
Fili’s face gives nothing away as he turns to face Kili, he waits, watching his little brother kick and push at the covers with increased irritation. Finally freed the brunet comes to stand, suddenly nervous again at the intensity of the gaze that rests on him.  
  
“Can I?” Kili asks uncertainly, teeth nipping at his lips with worry. He sighs in frustration at the confused frown that the blond directs at him. “Just for tonight?” he nods in the direction of the hallway hoping that Fili would catch on.  
  
Fili’s eyebrows furrow deeper, he tilts his head to the side as Kili fidgets nervously by the bed, eyes drawn to his brother’s mouth, pupils dilating as he watches Kili suck and spear his bottom lip with white teeth that shine in the darkness. His eyes flicker away, following the quick nod that Kili gives him, eyes falling towards the bed.  
He stares in disbelief at the bed, the realization of what his brother is trying to convey slowly sinking in under his skin. They had often slept together as children and even as adults they had sometimes sought each other out, surrendering to sleep once their steady heartbeats mingled in the night. Images of the last time Kili had crept unbidden into his bed race through Fili’s mind. It’s a terrible idea, a request that he can barely believe Kili is asking of him. There is vulnerability in the downcast face of his brother and Fili knows that he is irrevocably lost.  
  
“Just take those off,” he motions at the boots on Kili’s feet, his steps are steady as he moves away but there is a quaking that starts in his chest and slides down through his body. Fili’s mind screams for him to retract his approval, he has to force himself to keep walking when Kili’s boots hit the floor somewhere behind him. He knows it’s not a good idea, it isn’t right, not after what happened. The door remains ajar as Fili pushes past it and into his room. There is a tightness in his stomach as he hears his brother’s footsteps trailing his. The pulsing in his head grows to a loud crescendo as he lies back into the bed, rolling over to the far side. It’s a big bed with ample space for two people but Fili knows with a certain amount of trepidation that they will not sleep without touching. When it comes to Kili and sleep there is only one outcome, years have taught Fili that inevitably the younger would end up pressed against him, their limbs tangling in a comfortable mess. The thought in itself is not the problem, the reaction it arouses in his body is. He lies rigid and tense; eyes open, tracing the moonlight that scrawls shapes across the ceiling. There are soft footsteps and then silence as Kili comes to a hesitant stop at the door.  
  
“Fee?” he seeks Fili’s permission, needs confirmation that his presence is accepted. Kili shifts from one foot to the other, unwilling to move closer until he hears his brothers answer. Seconds stretch between them, Fili’s eyelids flutter shut in resignation. Hand trembling he pulls the cover back, holds it up, it is a silent invitation, his answer. He always needed Kili as much as the brunet needed him, drawing comfort from the soft thrum of his brother’s body against his. But with Kili scrambling for a purchase in his bed since their childhood it had never been something that Fili ever had to verbalize.  
  
Kili’s steps are careful as he closes the remaining distance, hovering over the bed, eyes searching Fili for an answer that he doesn’t get. The blond's eyes are closed but there is a tightness in his jaw that hints at nerves, at discomfort and perhaps fear. Kili looks at his brothers hands, at the fingers that are turning white with the tightness of Fili’s grip. Kili knows that there is a short scar on Fili’s middle finger, a longer jagged one on the inside of his thumb and the space between Fili’s fingers are notoriously sensitive, the slightest of touches able to elicit laughter from the blond. Kili can trace the location of all the scars without even looking, he knows that his brother dislikes the shortness of his fingers and their girth but to him they are perfect.  
  
Drawing in one last bracing breath Kili crawls under the covers, nerves bristling as he brushes against Fili’s arm. He stares up at the ceiling; back painfully straight against the mattress, terrified to move closer but itching to do so. He craves Fili’s presence, craves the warm reassurance that he draws from just being near his brother.  
  
“You’re way too old for this, you know that right?” Fili jokes weakly as he turns to face Kili. He feels the tension in his brother, sees it in the way Kili lies, stiff and barely breathing, so unlike his normal self. He can’t help but try and ease the discomfort that plagues Kili, overlooking his own reservations as he turns to lie on his side. The movement reduces the distance between the two by a few inches. “Not that I’m complaining,” it’s supposed to be a light comment, something to reassure Kili but it comes out heavy, laced with something more than just brotherly fondness.  
  
Kili shivers as Fili’s breath ghosts across his ear, he twists to face Fili, one hand cushioning his head as he settles into a comfortable position. The intensity of the eyes that burn into his makes Kili’s breath hitch, in the darkness the blue of his brothers eyes are almost silver, pupils large as they scan his face.The minutes tick by. Cocooned in darkness the two brothers lie across from each other, blue and brown regarding each other.  
  
Feeling braver Kili shifts closer, one hand gingerly reaching out to touch Fili’s neck, drawn to the ugly bruises that mar the skin. Fili flinches, eyelids fluttering shut but he doesn’t stop Kili and so the brunet continues, fingertips ghosting across the skin, watching the goose bumps that follow in the wake of his touch.  
  
“Does it hurt?” he asks eyes darting up to Fili’s face.  
  
“Mhhh,” Fili hums low in his throat, one hand snaking up into Kili’s hair, fingers tangling in the dark tresses. Fili smiles and his eyes lose their focus slightly, hinting at the day that has just passed. Kili returns the smile and shifts a little closer; he can feel Fili’s breathing deepen and knows that his brother is not far from sleep. His eyes move over his brother’s face, itching to soothe the bruises that he’s inflicted, his fingers move of their own accord, trailing after the path that his eyes pave out.  
  
Fili tugs sharply in warning as Kili's fingers flutter over his lips, one fingertip tracing the torn skin of his lower lip. “Stop,” he growls tiredly, cracking an eye open to glare at Kili. Lightheaded and struggling to stay awake he knows he doesn’t have the energy or self-control to deal with Kili and his unnerving exploratory touches.  
  
“Sorry,” Kili mumbles apologetically, he withdraws his hand, resting it awkwardly in the space that lies between them.  
  
“It’s okay,” Fili’s grip loosens almost immediately, fingers absently drawing circles against Kili’s scalp, a caress that has never failed to lull Kili to sleep. Their breath mingles, loose strands of dark hair fall across Fili’s face as Kili slides even closer pressing his forehead gently against his brothers. Fili drifts slowly away, eased by the warmth that radiates from Kili. He feels Kili shift but doesn’t react, not until a warm hand creeps under his t-shirt. He freezes at the touch, suddenly wide awake again and struggling to open his eyes against the horrible throbbing that spears his skull in two.  
  
“Just need to,” Kili whispers feeling Fili tense at the touch “just for a little while.” Fili’s heart stutters as the hand hovers over his chest before coming to rest over his heart. He remains still, an answer to the words that his brother has yet to voice.  
  
“Please,” Kili pleads against Fili’s neck, noting the tightness of his brother’s jaw. Those terrible dreams had plagued him incessantly, unable to reassure himself of Fili's wellbeing and unable to draw comfort from his brother had marred his days with anxiety, a gnawing ache, a fear that tore his living moments in two.  
  
One night when Kili had been very young and unable to word the cause of his terror, Fili had drawn him close, wiping away the fat tears that dripped down his little brothers cheeks. Kili had settled against Fili’s chest, pudgy hands twining around Fili's neck as Fili coaxed him to rest his head over his heart. His brothers words had been calm “D’you hear that? As long as its beating, I promise nothing bad will ever happen to you. Don’t be scared, I’ll keep you safe.” Kili had fallen asleep with his brother’s soft heartbeat leading him into pleasant dreams, content in the firm knowledge that there was no place safer than Fili's arms. As time passed and Kili's fears took more distinct shape he would find himself crawling into Fili’s bed, groggy blue eyes as soothing as the arms that pulled him downwards. Nestled against the sleepy warmth of his brother’s body Kili would seek out Fili’s heart, reassured by the strength of the heartbeat under his ears. It had become a ritual on nights when a sky reddened by blood became reality, when the bodies underfoot crunched and seeped a river of crimson, when silence was swallowed by voices howling out in agony as Kili skidded across a heaving carpet of corpses towards a golden figure that death ultimately took away. On those nights he would reach for Fili, only able to push back the lingering nightmare once he heard Fili's sharp intake of breath as he awoke and felt the soft thrum of blood passing through the heart that had been so still in his dreams. On other nights it was Fili that awoke drenched in sweat, garbling words that made no sense, stumbling off the bed and towards Kili with wide eyes still haunted by the dream that they shared. Fili’s grip would be almost painful, unyielding and desperate as he pulled Kili close, crushing his brother with the force of his embrace. When their mother would come to wake them the two brothers would still be found wrapped up in each other, limbs askew and tangled but sound asleep.  
  
And so with Fili's strong, steady heartbeat thrumming under his fingertips Kili finally lets out a small yawn. Sleep holds no threat or terror.  
  
“I missed you,” Fili whispers, shifting to allow Kili to curl closer, pressing a chaste kiss against the top of the dark head that nestles under his chin. He can’t help but chuckle as Kili’s longer legs bump against his, searching for their age old resting place between his shorter ones. It is to the soft rhythm of Kili's breathing that Fili falls asleep to, to the warmth of the hand pressed against his heart .  
Kili feels the shift, knows the second that Fili passes into sleep, feels the heart under his fingertips slow down, the beats deepen as his brother slips further away.  
“I love you,” it's a mere breath across Fili's neck, a whisper that remains unheard. A smile creeps over Kili's lips as he nuzzles against his brother, breathing in Fili's scent before allowing himself to succumb to sleep. He dreams of a crackling campfire under a bright moon, of strong arms pulling him backwards into a familiar embrace. The two sleep curled around each other, Kili’s head resting on Fili’s outstretched arm, one leg pressed between Fili’s shorter ones. Their hearts beat in unison in the night, drumming out an age old rhythm. 


End file.
